Love &/or Money

Maybe its because I was checking my iSync calendar data - making sure all computers were in alignment; or maybe it was because I couldn't remember when things "exactly" took place; whatever the reason, I checked the last 4 years of iCal data.  Upon doing so, I became appalled. At me.

I must have blocked it mentally. I don't remember. But tonight I realized that, upon learning of an affair, it took me two years and one month to extract myself from the situation. And then it required another six or seven months to become divorced. Holy crap! That's almost three years of my life! 3 years!!! What the hell was I thinking? I am ashamed, embarrassed.  If it weren't in my datebook, I wouldn't believe it. I still don't. The only words that come to mind are: asshole, idiot, schmuck, and dolt.

I can't help the period it took to produce a divorce, but there's no excuse for wasting the two years of my miserable life prior to that time; but I'll try to explain. I was trying to save something that was doomed. She wanted "security" (money); and I wanted "love" (love). I knew I could always make money (but avoided it). I wanted to know that I was loved without it. Forgive me, I like old Elvis movies. (Idiot and schmuck still come to mind.) Dammit! It was the money she was always after - the thing I always resisted producing without her willingness to accept the possibility of living without (something she could never do, leaving me as a result).

In retrospect, it only took me six months after splitsville to make my first million. And then another year to quadruple that figurer. I look back now and wish I had those two years back because I'd be ten times healthier and wealthier now.  She was never going to "get over" the money issue. Her "need" was too strong.  I guess I'll have to live with being wiser (now).

But what really gets my goat is that it took two plus years of my life. Again, I am appalled. I am ashamed, embarrassed. There was an affair and I attempted to rationalize it into something else, wasting years of my life. And forgetting the love & money issues, the only words that still come to mind are: asshole, idiot, schmuck, and dolt.

While I wrote this, I played: Money, Money, Money from the album "Gold" by ABBA